Alone In The Dark

Review – Uwe Boll’s (House of the Dead) new film Alone In The Dark is a complete waste of time and money.  I do not include the word effort because I don’t think any was put into the making of this film.  It’s a senseless piece of garbage the likes of which I can’t remember seeing before.

Christian Slater plays some jerk off who used to be a member of a paranormal SWAT team.  Tara Reid plays his “not brighter than the light on a telephone poll” girlfriend is a classic “D” movie performance.  And Stephen Dorff plays the asshole cop, who now runs the paranormal SWAT team.  These three dingleberries must save the world from god-knows-what, because it’s never explained, and how it ties into a Native American tribe that disappeared over 10,000 years ago.

This is the stoopidest movie I can remember seeing.  No worthy or even half-assed explanations are given for the ridiculousness of the characters or their plights.  The film gives you a strong desire to throw heavy objects at the screen.

It gets so bad that at one point a dead SWAT member picks there head up before the other actors can walk out of frame and the director yell cut.  Effort people.  That’s what gets quality scenes like this into a finished film.

Now then, why $0.75?

• $0.25 for the score.  I actually found myself drawn to the score of the film.  Provided by Bernd Wendlandt, Peter Zweier, and Oliver Lieb it’s too good for a movie this bad.
• $0.25 for a single Stephen Dorff’s line.  The writer’s actually gave the asshole cop in a movie the smartest line.  It’s a rare find in most films and I was quite surprised when this movie did something with half a brain.  Don’t be fooled.  The brain was quickly lost thereafter.

-m-